Let's Talk Forced Family Responsibility
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In a recent conversation with my sister, her close friend said: "I've worn those shoes for far too long. I thought they were already burned out; you must take those shoes off." Although the comment seemed to be about a pair of shoes, it was actually a metaphor for the financial burdens parents can place on their children, often at the expense of their children's ability to maintain financial stability. As an older sibling, my sister, at 34, finds herself at a crossroads, having sacrificed her financial cushion to support our parents at times over her individual needs. She has carried the burden of making sacrifices that go above and beyond what she can do to support her family as a Black woman without children who has never earned a salary over $35,000. During the conversation with her friend, my sister talked about feeling overwhelmed and even guilty for wanting to withdraw financially from supporting her parents in an effort to pour back into herself.
In the conversation with my sister, I said, “You feel guilty because it feels like forced family responsibility.” In the literal sense, that is what it feels like, a force to extend yourself beyond your capacities based on the implicit or explicit assumptions a loved one has about what’s within your financial means to “help out.” You know, the good ole “I know you got a couple of dollars to give me because you just got paid.” “I know you gon’ look out for your family!” Perhaps, it's the body language we feel with loved ones whose behaviors give “you’re clocking my coins.”
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Growing up, it always felt like my sister was the financial cushion for our parents, particularly our father, who, through his own misfortunes with money, conditioned her to consistently show up beyond her capacity for his pitfalls. This dynamic was certainly part of a bigger family issue; as children, we sometimes played parent to our father more often than he played the role of a parent to us. This is important to acknowledge when understanding our relationship dynamic and the financial challenges we would experience. Regardless, it wasn't like my sister made an enormous amount of money, and because it was presumed she had a little bit more than our parents to keep her head above water, every time our father demanded, she found herself giving more financially until she was empty. Even though she made a little bit more than our parents to stay afloat, it wasn't enough to care for our parents beyond her means. While sometimes, support for our parents would be through directly providing assistance, other times, it would be through literally being shamed into providing financial support, even when she didn't have it, especially if our father believed she had more financial capacity to assist.
This type of manipulative behavior didn't just impact her but was also challenging for me as I began to prioritize my financial wellness. What I’ve understood is that it's difficult to establish healthy financial boundaries when you grow up in a household where financial responsibility and accountability aren't well-defined or consistently modeled. Nonetheless, recognizing these patterns is essential in breaking the cycle and establishing healthy relationships with money and family.
As a Black woman in my twenties, I understand firsthand the difficulties of caring for financially irresponsible or abusive parents. It’s a situation that is all too common in our community but is often disregarded and unnoticed. We are expected to be strong and self-sufficient, but what happens when we are compelled to bear the weight of our parents' financial mistakes and misfortunes at the cost of our own individual financial stability? Building the financial stability we need in our mid-twenties becomes a struggle because our money is never truly ours. This experience is shared among Black women who are already undervalued and underpaid in a society that does not recognize their worth. We often feel trapped, experience constant financial hardship, and miss out on important milestones because of toxic family and money dynamics. Acknowledging and addressing these financial challenges is essential for us to establish healthy boundaries and take control of our financial futures.
For many of us, it starts with the realization that our parents aren't as financially stable as we thought. Maybe they've been living beyond their means for years, racking up credit card debt and taking out loans they can't afford. Or maybe they've experienced a sudden financial setback, like a job loss or a medical emergency, that's left them struggling to make ends meet. Either way, when the responsibility of supporting them often falls on our shoulders, even if we're barely making enough to support ourselves, it can create a world of challenges.
It's a tough spot to be in. On the one hand, we care to support our loved ones when they are in a tough spot, but on the other hand, we're still trying to figure out our lives and build our financial stability. No one should risk being able to support themselves. It's a delicate balancing act and one that can be emotionally and mentally draining.
For some of us, financial abuse makes the situation even worse. This can take many forms, from parents taking our money without permission, outright stealing from us or feeling entitled to our coins. It's a betrayal of trust that can leave us feeling powerless and exploited. And because financial abuse is often hidden and not discussed, we may not even realize what's happening until it's too late.
So what can we do? How can we navigate these difficult situations and protect ourselves? Here are a few strategies to consider in maneuvering through forced family responsibility:
Set boundaries: This can be one of the hardest things to do, but it's also one of the most important. You need to establish clear boundaries with your parents about what you can and can't afford to do. Be honest with them about your financial situation, and let them know you won't be able to support them indefinitely. It's okay to say no, even if it feels uncomfortable or selfish. No one should feel entitled to your coins.
Seek outside help: There are resources available to help you and your loved ones, from financial advisors to social service organizations. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. You don't have to go it alone.
Practice self-care: Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others. But you cannot take care of someone if you can’t take care of you.Make sure you prioritize your mental and emotional health, whether that means talking to a therapist, taking a temporary or permanent break, or finding a support group of people who understand what you're going through.
Educate yourself: The more you know about personal finance and budgeting, the better equipped you'll be to be able to make healthier decisions for yourself.
Remember that you don’t have to care for financially irresponsible or abusive loved ones even though is a complex and challenging situation.
One of the reasons that taking care of financially irresponsible or abusive parents can be so challenging is because of the cultural expectations placed on Black women. We're often expected to be the caretakers and problem solvers in our families, the ones who hold everything together no matter what. This can be a source of pride and strength, but it can also be a burden that's difficult to bear.
In addition to the emotional toll of caregiving, there's also the financial impact. Supporting our parents financially can drain our resources, especially when we're still early in our careers and trying to build a stable financial foundation for ourselves.
It can be especially frustrating when we see our friends and peers who don't have to worry about these responsibilities and can focus solely on their goals and aspirations.
It's important to recognize that there's no one "right" way to handle these situations. Every family is different, and what works for one person may not work for another. Some may choose to set strict boundaries and limit their financial support, while others may choose to take on more responsibility.
Whatever path you choose, it's important to remember that you have agency and autonomy in dealing with forced family responsibility. You're not powerless, and you're not alone.
