Hello, I’m A Black Woman Healing
Media: Death to Stock
Five years ago, I wrote an essay titled: Hello, I’m A Black Woman With Daddy Issues. The essay overviewed my estranged relationship with my father, abuse, and dealing with toxic family dynamics. At the time, I was trying to figure out how to create a safe space for myself, and I found it through writing. That’s a hard place to be as an adult when you feel like there’s no physical safe space for you to turn. When developing the piece, I was exhausted from ongoing battles with my father, who I felt lacked the desire to be held accountable when I experienced harm from him.
As a child and well into my adult years, my father, to his peers, represented a man of great morals. While I have seen a gentle side of this Black man, I mainly experienced a person who lacked emotional intelligence, acted out of excessive control with the women in his household, and conditioned our voices to shrink — yielding to his words as the only correct perspective. I’m sure he has thought of his approach as gentle and “putting the family first,” but his parenting style was anything but tranquil. Yet, my inner child always gave grace to him and felt that things could be different if I showed up, presenting more love and trying to fill in the gaps. But, I’ve learned later that operating in that way was never my place.
Many moments made me question my safety with him as a parent. I recognized he struggled with his mental health journey and personal trauma from family. The most frustrating thing about my experience is that when I would endure trauma from him and explain my frustration, my father would say things like, “I’m never going to hurt you,” even when he was already being harmful. Navigating the erasure of my experiences, I also had to silence my emotions, especially within specific settings with loved ones. I would mask my emotions of feeling uncomfortable around him not to create problems or have to hear things like, “regardless of what happens, he’s still your father.”
As I reflect on my first essay, I know I poured so much out and left a lot unsaid; yet, the purpose of writing the essay taught me a valuable lesson about how I show up and create space for my journey as a Black woman healing. Here’s what I learned about being a Black Woman With Daddy Issues, reflecting on my journey as a soon to be 27 year old who is still processing.
The problems in my relationship with my father exist because he, too, has unresolved parent issues. While this is not an excuse for my father's actions, I recognize that when damaging events in a child’s life are left unresolved, all of the patterns with these casualties can be passed down to their future children and so on until work is done to break the cycle. This isn't just about daddy issues; it's about family troubles. And, what I’ve seen in my community is that far too often, we sweep things under the rug and act as if that rug is meant to be a bandaid.
I needed to learn that regardless of the relationship someone has in my life, I do not have to accept behavior that makes me uncomfortable. I will address any behavior that makes me feel uncomfortable, and I have the agency to choose what spaces I desire to enter, “If my spirit doesn't feel it, I won’t get near it.” This goes for people (family included), places, things, and vibes.
Existing discussions online about gentle parenting have helped me recognize that it's OK to examine our parents' parenting techniques and behaviors that may not have given us an ideal experience as children. As an adult, I find myself having more open conversations with loved ones about these experiences and what this means for me as a future parent raising Black children. Simply, there are things my siblings and I experience that I will ensure my children never have to face.
Today, observing my father’s behavior with other loved ones has further shaped why I continue to be distant. Sometimes the behaviors people have simply don’t change. One of the most heart-wrenching things I’ve had to navigate is seeing the behaviors I experienced with my father continue to show up with other loved ones and, at times, go unresolved. I understand that this behavior is unsustainable for the foundation of a healthy relationship. When harm goes unresolved, it can manifest in different forms. Sometimes, from intimidation tactics to coercion and threats, and when people constantly encounter toxic behaviors, they can begin to rationalize harmful traits of their loved ones because they may not know how to navigate them. In witnessing these patterns show up, I continue to create a degree of separation for my protection and sanity.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may never get the answers I want to hear from my father on our relationship, his parenting style, or have him show up as someone different. We cannot force people to give us what they simply don’t have or rush their capacity to unpack. And sometimes, forcing things leads to less than desirable outcomes. For me, that’s been the constant cycle I’ve seen every time I have attempted to present a conversation to my father about where I stand with him. Sometimes the harm is simply too much to face, and other times the desire to discuss our experiences leads to more drama. At some point, speaking your peace and creating tighter boundaries is easier than forcing sh*t, which makes more turmoil.
I share similar traits with my father that I am leaning out of and working through to become a better version of myself. It’s funny how sometimes the person we have the most turbulent relationship with we may also share similar personality traits. My father and I are Cancers; we love old-school music, hide parts of ourselves, and self-isolate, thinking we have the tools to free ourselves from pain when we need support. Unfortunately, we also tend to be people who think doing everything alone makes us mighty. I’m at a point where being the perfect superwoman doesn’t work for me. There are moments when I look within and see pieces of my father, and while there are some traits that are okay to keep (like my love for old-school music), I’m working hard to let go of the things that have blocked the woman I deserve to become.
Tapping into professional mental health services, writing more, and talking through my journey have helped me realize that I was never simply a young woman with daddy issues. I was a young woman dealing with open wounds of generational trauma that never had the opportunity to heal properly and were passed off to me through the lack of resources my parents faced to work through their pain. Nowadays, I’m equipping myself with the tools to work on the inner child who needs healing that still lives within me and helping her to help the woman that shares this body blossom.
Media: Giphy
