Releasing the Weight: Reflections on My 20Something Years

I’ve missed a few therapy sessions this month, so I’ve been writing and leaning into other resources to help me navigate my emotions. In between sessions, I often write a lot to clear my mind, and this post was the beginning of one of the pieces I started in July. It reflects my emotions going into year 27, some of the things I recognize about my previous experiences in my twenties, and thoughts about what I would like to accomplish. -Charli

As I approach another season around the sun, I assess different aspects of my life journey. Like, "Where do I️ want to be? What kind of people do I desire to be in a community setting? How do I want to show up in the world?” I've been crying for the past two weeks grieving over the end of a phase in my life where I'm metamorphosing into a new version of myself. While it’s a celebratory moment, it’s been quite an uncomfortable process that I feel is rebuilding my spirit. I am separating from things I never thought I would separate from, my interests are changing, and the main characters in my life look different than they did a few years ago. As a result, it’s challenging me to look deeper at some of the things in my life I possibly may not have worked through earlier in my twenties.

I am facing a stage of growth where my progress feels slow. But, I️ check myself on that because even on days of slow progress I. AM. STILL. MOVING. In addition to this, I️ am experiencing normal feelings of anxiety about approaching my thirties.

I suppose it’s a common thing to feel, as when I entered my twenties, I experienced similar feelings of being overwhelmed in how I identified what it means to be an adult while surviving the ugly years of building security. As I look back on those moments, I had glorious experiences and faced a lot of pain. In my early twenties, I began recognizing the meaning of true friendship. I pulled away from things that no longer align with my life morals, experienced heartbreak, and took steps to work through the trauma of my inner child, something I’m still working through.

Now reaching the final years of my twenties, I am prepping for how I desire to set up my future, and I’m making the necessary steps to live my life intentionally with my chosen theme of fluidity.

As I am experiencing these shifts, I must reflect on the lessons I’ve learned, So here are my reflections on my twenties as I enter year 27.

At times I have sheltered myself from what I desire because I questioned my worth.

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While I know I deserve the best that life offers, I have feared what that looks like because I am constantly comforting my inner child, who often had to hear that she was not good enough. I cannot erase those experiences from my life; I can only work through them. The experiences of my inner child live with me; they are a part of my testimony and have helped to build the foundation of the woman I’ve become today.

Sure, it may be easy to assume that as an adult, I hold on to parts of my negative experiences, but the truth is when you face years of being devalued, at some point, you learn how to navigate this journey and piece together your peace. It sometimes feels like a puzzle with certain sections you think you have together but don’t, and you may have to rearrange to get the right pieces to fit. But, that’s what reclaiming your worth looks like; it’s taking a step back, giving space to look at all sides of your pieces, and reorganizing to make sure the sections of yourself that were not quiet in order can become a part of your bigger picture.

Those breakthroughs are not linear. So, there are moments when I celebrate myself and am confident in all I have to achieve, and at other times when I experience angst. The key is not caving in to that emotion but recognizing how I navigate it and honor myself in all my failures and achievements. In the reclamation of my worth, I am breaking free from telling myself things like, “Why is this good thing happening to me?” “Is this something I deserve?” I do, and I’m walking into it. I also forgive myself for being a barrier to my own light.

I’ve become exhausted being a strong friend, giving so much of myself to others, only to feel depleted and lack support when I’m in a crisis.

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Being “strong” does not make you invincible. Even if you have the answers to the problems of the loved ones in your life, there are some things you do not have solutions to or the capacity to give advice.

It’s okay not to be a part of the solution, only to lend an ear, not to overextend yourself when you do not have it, to stop trying to be a superhero when you are simply human. The most frustrating thing about being a strong friend is that sometimes people can’t see the signs when you are breaking and need support. We may receive the label of being strong even when we are going through weak periods, and it can feel lonely when our loved ones take so much from us but do not know how to pour bit back into us. As a Black woman, I cannot carry the world's weight and be left alone to make it to the finish line. So, I release the weight.

While it’s a blessing to be able to exist in the world to create a safe space for other people, the most protective thing a strong friend can learn is how to be a safe space for themselves and find a community that can pour into their needs.

I used to feel bad about creating boundaries for my mental health, but now I️ don’t give a f*ck. It took me a super long time to get here, but I recognize that it’s not my responsibility to make people who have hurt me feel comfortable. When you show kindness to predators, you risk putting yourself in harm's way again. Your boundaries are a protective barrier to things like your sanity, and not all boundaries need to be explained to everyone.

However, neglecting to acknowledge why your barriers exist can create problems! In the past, I felt terrible about my boundaries because I was constantly gaslighted about forgiveness and the roles people have in my life.

There are some spaces I will not enter, some people I do not desire not to be around, some relationships I am choosing to heal through, and the way I show up looks different. I️ learned that you can forgive and still have a boundary, and to be honest, kinship is not an excuse to keep relationships with harmful people. I don’t have to align myself with anyone who I deem baneful. Neglecting my boundaries means neglecting my mental health, and that’s some sh*t I can no longer afford to align with my next chapter.

I️ love love, but not enough to be stressed out.

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When we decide to bear our feelings, it teaches us a lot about ourselves, the people with whom we share space, and the limits of what we're willing to endure.

There’s no shame in saying that in my past, I’ve allowed people in my space who should have had a brief term to stay longer than they deserved. I️ have dwelled in confusion rather than letting that confusion be a sign that I need to take a step back and this person I adore may not be for me.

I've shared the most intimate parts of myself with people I've built a trusting bond, only to be let down by their clumsy approach to respect.

I’ve been shown that, in different ways, the people I share space with are not ready to love me the way I desire to be loved. And so much so, I’ve had a past lover, honest enough to admit; he could not show up for me the way I needed.

Still, as I reflect on my past relationship dynamics, I know I overstayed my welcome in spaces simply because there were parts of people I adored, and I hoped that those parts had the potential to be on display longer.

It has only led to disappointment and the stress of repeating myself once too many times, chasing pavements, hoping that the energy I ️ gave would be reciprocated. I came to recognize that playing with unmatched energy will always lead to undesirable results, and as far as displays are concerned, they eventually come down.

In “The Value in the Valley,” Iyanla Vanzant explains how Black women are “reared to be dependent on and in some cases addicted to what others expect from us or demand of us.” Socially, Black women are indoctrinated to care for everyone around us, show up, and, in many ways, over-demonstrate our commitment to others. We give ourselves to benefit everyone without complaint, including our intimate connections until we are depleted.

This indoctrination started in my childhood, where I was conditioned to always center others’ needs before my own, give more than I receive, and pour into people to demonstrate undeniable loyalty even if I did not receive the same kind of treatment in return. It’s a similar role to being the “strong friend.” That kind of brainwashing sets you up to be a people pleaser, a doormat, and for folxs to play on your trained kindness as a weakness. And, if I’m being honest, it is a weakness because it leaves you depleted as a youngster before you have the tools to recognize how that kind of setup is harmful to the way you should be showing up in the world.

Moving into this next chapter, I know I can’t be in a space that tiptoes around what I need. I am not in the business of begging anyone to do right by me or chasing love. I cannot give more than I have the capacity to give. I deserve to live at ease, float in the security of someone I love, and ensure I am the best version of myself without the stressors of love pains. In this chapter, I will continue building my foundation, loving love, and loving myself.

I am playing catch up and taking accountability for my role in my setbacks.

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As I reflect on my setbacks, especially in my early years, some were a result of sh*t out of my control, and others were a result of my incognizance, not knowing how to advocate for myself. Hell, I could have solved specific problems just by leaving a job sooner and other issues could have been resolved by prioritizing my goals better. I believe that I could have been more intentional about my decisions. I now understand I have the agency and awareness to make better decisions that will set me up for a solid future.

As I look towards the last years of my twenties, I know the best years are in front of me. At the beginning of this year, for the first time in my adulthood, I felt so much joy experiencing life with ease, cultivating an intentional space where I️ started dwelling in spaces I used to pray for, growing within my financial security, and even in the spaces of setbacks, still finding joy. Six years ago, I could not imagine how much I’ve grown today.

My priorities are much different than simply trying to find what fast food I will be eating and what TV show I can indulge in to pass the time (I still do this a little bit, lol). In the next 27 years, I’ll be 54; life will certainly look different than today. However, one that I won’t change is my constant reflections on life and my individual growth. I’m excited to see what the next 365 days have in store for me.